


Fuyu no namida

by lecksie31



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Doctor Chanyeol, Illness, Illnesses, Love, M/M, Model Sehun, Snow, True Love, Winter, curse, i don't how to do tags, junmyeon - Freeform, myth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:09:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21899452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lecksie31/pseuds/lecksie31
Summary: Sehun hated winter because it reminded him too much of the memories he just wanted to forget. Time has gone since the love of his life passed away and this winter, they won’t let him be in peace. He goes back to that old town this year like all the other years before, but he discovers something different.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun, Oh Sehun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31
Collections: Round 3: Autumn and Winter - On the Snow





	Fuyu no namida

**Author's Note:**

> * Prompt flake 721 *
> 
> Hello readers! Thank you for giving this entry a chance and I hope you like it. For the mods of this fest, thank you for giving me so much time and for being patient. Congratulations on this successful round! I love this fest so much, it is very close to my heart. This is my second time and I will always write for this. For my betas, thank you for your all of the time, the comments and for being there for me this whole journey. And lastly, for the prompter, I hope this story fulfilled your wish somehow.

*************************

_“How you held me in your arms that September night,  
the first time you ever saw me cry….  
if we love again, I swear I’d love you right”_

Here he was again, for the fifth year in a row, in the front door of a small inn far away from the country, where he spends each of his winter vacation in. This was his safe haven, or at least it used to be, back when the love of his life was still by his side, back when everything felt like it was perfect. At least now, every time he goes back here, he can pretend that maybe, everything is fine. Here, he can hope that Junmyeon will come around again. That maybe, they would meet up like they did the first time.

Sehun wanted him back, he just wants to be around him again. He wants to feel Junmyeon’s arms wrap around him once more like how they did before. He would never forget that, the embrace, the warmth, the assurance and how it made him feel like everything was going to be alright. It was the first time that Sehun ever cried. He had always been a tough nut to crack, the one that was always dubbed as emotionless by everyone but when his mom died, he couldn’t really handle the pain.

_But Junmyeon, he was Sehun’s saving grace._

_Sehun clearly remembers that night in his own room and how Junmyeon had come barging right in. It’s been days and he has not eaten anything at all. He felt hungry but he just didn’t have an appetite. The dark circles under his eyes also attest to the fact that he lacked sleep. He hasn’t slept a wink since the day the doctor came out of the operating room to tell him that his mother didn’t make it. But he didn’t cry then. Nor did he cry when they were lowering her casket 6 feet under the ground._

_But when Junmyeon came inside the room to ask him if he was okay, when he went to Sehun and held his face with his small hands, he couldn’t help but break down. Oh, he cried and not the pretty type of crying but rather the ugly, snot-running-down-his-nose crying, the one where you can’t get your voice out because it just feels too painful. And in that moment, Junmyeon did not utter a single word but only held him tightly in his arms, soothing his back with his hand._

Tears are running down his face right now and he wishes Junmyeon was there for him again, to embrace him once more and just hold him tightly. He wished and wished for it to come true but no matter how much he does, he knows Junmyeon just wasn’t coming back. It’s so unfair to be the one who was left behind. It hurts a lot to be the one who had all the memories. He just wants to be free of all of this but right now, that seems like an impossible feat. And yet, he still wishes for it even more.

And with these heavy emotions, he opened the door and entered the inn.

He smiles at the receptionist who gave him a small smile and a look of pity.

“Sehun, you’re here again.”

“Baek.”

“The usual?”

He nods and the other man hands him a key with a keychain that read ‘0194’

*******************************

_“There’s a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain.  
When I believed in forever and everything would stay the same.”_

-Maroon 5, Memories

Sehun met Junmyeon during winter, when the weather was too cold to bear. He was riding his car to this town far away from the city. He needed a breather, without all the noise, without the flashing of lights, without all the things that reeks of fakeness and fame. He wanted to get out of the limelight. And so, he did.

He drove away as far as he possibly can, not knowing where the tires of his car would take him. It would be amazing if he can actually stop by a good place but for now, he has decided to leave it all to luck. Let the signs come and he will follow it blindly. So, when he ran out of gas, he took it as a sign to settle down. Fortunately for him, he found a gas station and filled up his tank. He asked the crew where the nearest hotel was, but he got laughed at instead.

_“This isn’t no fancy Hollywood town, Mister. But you’ll find some lodging a few blocks down.”_

He read the name of the crew ‘Kyungsoo’ and made sure he will report this guy later when he sees the boss, for being rude to him and laughing at him. Didn’t he know who he was? If he knew……but then again, he helped him in a way or another so he might as well be grateful. He drove his car straight until he found the inn that the station guy seems to be talking about.

It was a small two-story building that looked really old but still managed to look pretty classic. ‘Byun Inn’ was what the sign outside read and he guesses it’s a family home turned inn or something like that. Maybe this was what is normally referred to as a B&B. So, he went out of his car. He had to put on his sunglasses just to make sure no one recognized him. He also got his bag from the trunk of his car before he decided to head inside what seemed to be the entrance to the place. The first snow fell just as he got to the door of the inn.

When he got to what seemed like the reception, he saw a young-looking man with this weird smile on his face. It’s not the creepy weird smile but something that looked quite inviting so he decided to put a smile on as well. He asked the guy if they have an extra room.

_“We do, but first, it’d be best if you can put your car in the parking area. Or you can let our chauffeur to do it for you, just give us the key.”_

Sehun scrounged his pockets for the key and found it, gave it to the young man and then smiled a bit. He scratched his head and wondered how the man knew he had a car with him when there was no way he could’ve seen the car but decided to just let it go since he really feels like he is about to freeze to death and would do anything to get a room and maybe something to drink as well.

_“Is it a room for one?”_

He wanted to scream at the receptionist and tell him that it’s so obvious he was alone, but he decided against it and figured that holding back might be his best choice. He nodded his head instead as the man was searching for his records.

_“I’m sorry but we don’t have any available room for one anymore. But there is a room for 2 that is currently open for another guest. You can get that room, but you have to share it with the person residing there.”_

Share a room? No way in hell is he going to share a room with some stranger he didn’t know.

_“I don’t really feel comfortable sharing room with anyone else. I’ll look for another place to stay. Let me have my keys instead.”_

_“Are you sure about that? We’re the only inn in this town and the next town would take you at least a day to reach.”_

Sehun flinched. What the heck is this man saying? But if what he is saying is true, then he might as well be doomed. He can no longer afford to travel for another day, and it is already snowing so he just wants to settle down. He was left with no choice but to agree with the condition.

_“Okay, I’ll take it. But can you please bring me something hot to drink, I’m so thirsty, this weather is killing me, for real.”_

_“Here’s the key, room 0194. Don’t worry, it has a fireplace so you should be totally fine inside the room.”_

_“Good, I’ll take the room. Is there already someone in there?”_

_“Yes, your roommate is already there. His name is---”_

But before the man even finished what he is trying to say, Sehun was already well on his way up the stairs searching for his room. And after a few minutes, of walking around the mess of hallway, noticing the place looks ten times larger than what he thought it was from the outside, he finally found his room.

He didn’t knock but instead, inserted the key into the keyhole and just opened the door.

And when he went in, he saw a big room that is quite bigger than any hotel room he has ever been. It had all the newest things he can ever imagine, a flat screen TV, a good gaming machine, a large enough cabinet and a whole lot of other things that enticed him. Even the bathroom door looks nice as well. The only problem it seemed to him was that there is a man lying on the bed.

And that….there is only one king sized bed in the room.

*********

_“Flash backs waking me up  
I get drunk but it’s not enough.  
Cause the morning comes  
and you’re not my baby”_

-Taylor Swift, Death by a thousand cuts

Sehun smiles as he entered the same room where he first met Junmyeon. It was a complete disaster, that night was something he surely wasn’t expecting. To sum it all up, it was towels thrown, soap bars used as projectiles and other commotions and Sehun hiding underneath the bed. He chuckled a bit as he saw the king-sized bed where he and Junmyeon had slept together for countless of times.

Removing his shoes, he jumped on the bed and laid down facing the ceiling. Then the tears came. This happens every time, he wonders if his tear ducts are broken. But he can’t blame them because his soul is crying the same way his eyes are, at this moment.

What used to be such a small bed for the two of them, having argued about who will sleep on it, feels so big and empty right now. But then again, everything felt empty ever since Junmyeon was gone.

He cried himself to sleep that first night and woke up the same way.

He reminisced the moments they slept next to each other, Junmyeon, being the big spoon, he is. It might not seem obvious since Sehun was taller than him, but he was. Sehun has never felt anywhere safer than in Junmyeon’s loving arms. Cuddling with him until he fell asleep was his favorite thing to do. Listening to Junmyeon’s heartbeat was melody to his ears, it was the lullaby he needed.

With Junmyeon he felt peace.

************

It was supposed to be a 3-day vacation. 3 DAYS. He literally just escaped from his manager and he knew that if he didn’t go back, he’d be dead meat. That’s why it was okay to share a room or a bed for that matter. It was just a couple of days, and THIS he can definitely survive. The fun thing was that his roommate didn’t even know him. He must have been living under a rock, because not to boast or anything, but Sehun’s fame was on another level. He was Zegna’s favorite model, basically their brand ambassador. His face has grazed a lot of magazines from Vogue, Arena Homme, Optimum, Madame Figaro, Marie Claire, Leon and so much more. He models for Louis Vuitton as well. He is a well-loved model all over the world and it is a wonder why this man in front of him does not know him at all.

And Sehun was good at reading people so he can easily discern if his roommate was lying but he was totally clueless.

It felt weird that he escaped here so that he won’t get recognized but now he wants this man he just met to at least recognize him. But no, the said man did not even bat a single eyelash but was totally appalled at the sight of him.

But since it was just 3 days anyways, he figured it doesn’t matter.

Or it didn’t.

Not until all hell broke loose, winter storms and blizzards came, and they were stuck in the inn for 5 more days. Sehun knew he was in trouble once his phone died and the inn’s power supply went out.

And that also meant staying with his ‘roommate’ whose name was Jun---something (he didn’t quite catch it and was too prideful to ask).

Everything was normal until one night when he caught him crying in the corner of the room. Sehun has just come out from the bath when he found him like that, and he didn’t know why but he felt a pang on his chest as he went near him. This was the man who never complained even when Sehun acted like a spoiled brat. Sehun thought he had a lot of patience, so he wondered what made him cry.

Sehun had no idea how to comfort anyone nor did he have any experience, he was really clueless about it. He couldn’t really rely on Google now with his phone rendering to be useless.

He went to their shared closet, got his handy pouch, pulled out something and went to where the crying man was.

_“Here,”_

The man, sniffling, with tears running down his face, looked up at him and gave a confused look.

_“Take it.”_

Sehun handed a few pieces of candy, his favorite ones, to the man.

_“What is ----”_

And then the room was filled with chuckles.

And at that moment, Sehun looked at the source and unexpectedly saw an angel.

He blushed so bad, he’s thankful there wasn’t much light on his face.

_‘He looks so pretty when he’s happy’_

He couldn’t erase that thought from his mind for the next few days until he had to leave the inn and face the wrath of his manager.

************

Sehun went out of the room and went to the small garden in the back of the inn. He has always been fond of this place because it was so quiet. He felt at ease here or he used to feel that way. In a matter of seconds, like a whirlwind, he was taken to what happened years back in this very same garden.

***********

_“I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings.  
Darling, you’re the one I want in paper rings and  
picture frames and all of my dreams.  
Oh, you’re the one I want.”_

-Taylor Swift, Paper Rings

One moment he had Junmyeon’s smile (yes, he finally knows his name) etched on his mind, the next moment he is waiting for the same man at the end of the aisle. Yes, in two years after that time they spent in the inn, they got married at the garden in the back of the very same place. Call them sappy but this place just felt right for the both of them.

Junmyeon looked nice, dressed up in a white suit, looking like a real-life prince, and Sehun is still in awe. He doesn’t know what he did in his past life, but he is thankful he is able to stand where he is and marry the man that looks so dashing. Sehun would not say it out loud but if Junmyeon wanted to be a model, he might actually become more successful than him, but that is a topic for another day.

Right now, he can’t contain his happiness.

When Junmyeon finally stood in front of him, the adoration bright in his eyes, Sehun couldn’t help but hold his hand tighter.

_“You are the most patient, the most considerate and the kindest person that I know. You have the most beautiful heart and the purest soul. I can’t help but feel blessed that I have met you in this lifetime. Being with you is pure bliss and I am thankful for every moment that I got to spend with you. I wouldn’t say our relationship has always been smooth sailing, but I am happy you trust me enough to be with me. Kim Junmyeon, I promise you that I will be with you through all the good times and all the bad, the sunny days and all the stormy ones, through sickness and in health, and that even death will not change my feelings for you. I love you.”_

_“Oh Sehun, you always act like you didn’t care, like everyone is dispensable for you so that no one saw the real you. You don’t want anyone to see your kind heart, but I did, and I will keep on doing so. You express your love in ways that some people might not understand but I do. You are an angel, though not everyone sees that. You have the kindest gestures, you listen, and you always do your best to give. You give without expectations, without anything in return, you are pure. I might not be the best person out there but for you, I will try. I am absolutely in love with all of your being and I promise even when the hardest times come along, I will stay. I promise you that I will always try and that I will never give up on us. I love you.”_

And then they put rings on each other’s fingers before kissing each other. And in that moment when their lips touch, the first snow fell. It was a night wedding, a small celebration with only their close friends as guests and the vast sky as their witness. They know they’re just a tiny speck of dust in the universe, but that night felt like their love can encompass its entirety.

********

_“Where’s the good in goodbye?”_

-The Script, No good in goodbye

There are 5 stages of grief according to someone famous, Sehun didn’t really know who it was nor would he bother to check it out, but he remembers one time when he was browsing, he came across it. For almost a year after he lost Junmyeon, he was in denial.

He just couldn’t believe that he was gone so fast, as easy as he met him that day.

_Malignant._

It was a word that he learned to hate that year.

It was a word that took everything that was precious to him.

He could not say the word, he felt like a volcano about to erupt whenever he heard or saw the word.

And even now, 5 years later, he was still lingering a bit on that stage.

Because, how does one deal with losing someone they love?

How does one say goodbye when there is nothing good about it at all?

Someone should teach Sehun because he doesn’t think he can ever do it.

***************

_“The hardest lies to find out about,  
are from the person who kissed your mouth.”_

_Anger._

The truth is this: it’s hard to stay angry with the one you love.

It is hard to stay angry even when they lied to you, even when they chose not to tell you, even when they were too selfish to tell you the truth that they decided that you are better off not knowing.

The quote ‘what you do not know won’t kill you’ should go die and bury itself.

Nothing good comes from lying.

Hiding the truth is just the same thing.

By not telling someone what the truth is, you are removing their right to make a choice.

_Anger._

This was Sehun’s reaction when he found out by accident that his husband was dying.

************

Sehun went back to his room because he felt a bit chilly, maybe the snow is coming soon.

He sits by the fireplace, the one that is filled with a lot of memories as well.

He remembers how he almost burnt his hand here when he was going through the stage of being depressed. He was trying to get warm 3 years ago. He felt nothing at all and laughed when he was in the emergency room at two in the morning, getting salve put on his hand. He was numb to the pain that time because he felt that there is nothing more to lose.

He chuckled right now at how dumb he was at that time, but he also knows that it was a very crucial moment in his life.

One does not forget kindness when it is offered to them at the darkest of times.

And if it wasn’t for that person who helped him, he would have no hands to warm at this moment. He’s meeting that person again tomorrow, to properly thank him for what he did that day for him.

After getting warm, he decides to get to bed until he remembers exactly where Junmyeon sat crying that night he fell in love at first sight with him.

****************

_“Lies bring more lies until you are tangled in a web full of it.”_

_Bargaining._

Sehun felt betrayed.

He was mad but mostly, he was hurt, and this is all because he just couldn’t believe that Junmyeon did that to him. He was pacing the room, back and forth, waiting for his husband to come back so that he can talk to him.

Oh, they needed to talk.

As soon as Junmyeon enters, Sehun stopped pacing, like he had seen a ghost. Panic rose inside of Junmyeon as he has never seen the latter like that.

_“Hunnie? What’s wrong?”_

_“You tell me what’s wrong, Jun.”_

_“I don’t understand?”_

And just like that, Sehun handed him an envelope, his hands shaky from the anger boiling inside of him. Junmyeon perceived this as nervousness and so he was feeling a bit scared of opening it.

The nervousness pulled through as he dropped everything as soon as he saw what they were about.

_“Where did you find these, Sehun?”_

The way Junmyeon switched to calling him as Sehun and not Hunnie did not go by unnoticed by the man himself. Sehun knew he really hit a nerve with what he had discovered.

_“Did you go through my stuff, Sehun?”_

Sehun remained quiet as he saw the man he married years ago start to unravel in front of him.

_“ANSWER ME, OH SEHUN!!!”_

In their entire time together, not once has Sehun seen Junmyeon this angry. Not once has he been like this and that is why Sehun’s eyes widen at this sudden outburst from his husband. How was he supposed to deal with this side of him? But still, the promise of being there with him through both bad times and good times lingered in his ears and so he held on to it.

_“I didn’t mean to, Jun.”_

_“Oh? You didn’t mean to? So, are you telling me you suddenly just got hold of these files? Do you expect me to think they magically appeared in front of you? This is clearly invasion of privacy, Oh Sehun.”_

_“You’re talking to me as if I am a stranger, Junmyeon.”_

And the instant Sehun called him by his full name, Junmyeon suddenly realized the weight of all the words he had said.

_“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Hunnie. I didn’t mean to do ----”_

_“Forget it. From how you talked about it, it’s obvious to me that you had no plans on telling me at all. Did you think I would leave you the moment I found out? Did you have no trust in me at all? I didn’t know you think of my love being so shallow as to actually think I would be like that. I thought I knew you most, Junmyeon, but it turned out, I was wrong all along.”_

_“I just didn’t want to ruin what we had.”_

_“Well, what did you want then?”_

_“I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.”_

_“No one is ever ready, Junmyeon.”_

_“I’m so sorry. I swear that wasn’t what I meant---”_

Sehun swiftly moved to the door and turned the knob.

_“Where are you going?”_

_“I need some fresh air. I’ll be back, let’s talk later.”_

As soon as Sehun is out of the door, what he did was went up the rooftop of the building they are now living in. The heavy feeling in his chest needed to be let out and he has no idea how he is going to make it through the night without getting mad at his husband had he stayed.

He hated liars the most.

And that is what Junmyeon is now.

Omitting the truth or hiding the truth is basically deceiving. And that was where the web of lies start, simply by hiding something, until you begin to start telling more lies in order to cover up your truth. And Junmyeon? He is so deeply caught in the web that he has spun on his own.

As he shouted his lungs out at the rooftop, the first snow fell.

But because love stays and love understands, Sehun came back home to him, like he always did.

Because whether he likes it or not, Junmyeon is his home.

He found him in the same position he did when he was crying back in that room years ago during the week they met.

And the dejavu hits him quite hard, he had to hold onto something in order to keep him standing upright.

_“Jun…..how long?”_

He does not recognize his own voice, and it feels like those same words did not come from him at all and he is still in awe that he was able to speak them.

Junmyeon kept crying, not budging at all, as if he did not hear anything that Sehun just said.

And at this, even though Sehun always kept his cool, he really exploded.

_“YOU KNEW IT SINCE THAT TIME AT THE HOTEL, DIDN’T YOU? YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME.”_

_“Let me explain, Hunnie.”_

_“I CAN’T DO THIS. YOU KNEW I ABSOLUTELY HATE LIARS BUT STILL YOU CHOSE TO BE ONE.”_

Junmyeon did not have any words to this reply because yes, he knew about that. He couldn’t blame Sehun if he wanted to leave him right there and then. He was at fault, but he wished Sehun would let him explain everything to him. He swears he did not mean to leave it out. Okay, he did kind of left it out on purpose but not because he didn’t trust Sehun, there are reasons. He had reasons. But he realized that now that Sehun found out, all of his reasons did not matter, he was at the losing end. But he did not want to lose Sehun at all, he was all he had. Call him selfish but he wanted to be with Sehun and no one else.

_“Sehun, please, listen to me.”_

Sehun sighed in defeat. The pain was too much for him to handle, he can’t really explain what he is feeling at the moment, just that it hurts a lot and that his heart feels like it’s being stabbed by needles, millions of them all at once. He needed to get out of here, he can’t stand being in the room with the person he once thought out to be the air that he needs to breathe. He needs to leave so he grabbed a bag from the cabinet and started filling it up with clothes.

_“Sehun, what are you doing?”_

Junmyeon goes next to him and grabs his arms as he kept on putting clothes inside the bag but Sehun easily maneuvered around him. In a couple of minutes, Sehun is ready to go.

_“Sehun, please…”_

_“Junmyeon, listen to me. I just need to sort myself out, okay? I need to process everything. I only found out earlier today and there’s too many things going on inside of me right now. I’ll come back in a few days and we’ll talk then. I’m really sorry, I can’t stand to be here, my presence will only hurt the both of us more.”_

Defeated, Junmyeon walked him towards the door.

_“I’ll wait for you, Sehun. Come home soon.”_

Sehun nodded at him and gave a sad smile because the truth is that he didn’t know just how soon is soon.

****************

_“If I could, turn back time,  
I would go back to when I was young,  
I’d laugh harder and easier,  
I’d right all my wrongs.”_

If Sehun could turn back time, where would he go?

This is a question that has lingered in his mind for the past 2 years until this day.

Would he go back to where he met Junmyeon the first day and decide to just travel for an entire day to the next city just so he can have a solo suite?

Would he go back to that time he first saw Junmyeon smile and instantly fell in love with?

Would he go back to that time when they had their first date?

He remembers how much he laughed that day, surprised at all the things that they had in common. He would never forget how he felt that instant connection the day they had met. He would never forget every single memory they shared, after all.

Would he go back to the time when he found out about the lies that Junmyeon had told him?

Would he stop himself from leaving had he known what would happen during the time that he was gone?

There were too many times that he wanted to go back to, and he realizes that there is no point in lingering over the what if’s now that everything has been said and done.

Even if he can invent a time machine, no magic in this world can ever bring Junmyeon back to him.

And when there is no hope in getting to what used to be, what can anyone else do but move on?

And maybe, this is the first step that Sehun is going to take on accepting what had happened.

He closes his eyes, hugged the covers that gave him warmth, and silently let the tears fall as he imagined for the last time that it was Junmyeon hugging him.

Let his eyes run dry of tears because this is going to be his last night here.

It would be his last visit here.

When he wakes up tomorrow morning, everything will be different, he firmly believes that.

He knows that moving on is a hard thing to do but maybe, just maybe, all it takes is acceptance.

Maybe that is all he can do for now, to start accepting that Junmyeon is gone, and he is never coming back.

_Because acceptance is the last stage of grief._

***************

_“I think back to you and that red scarf,  
and all the secrets it has witnessed.”_

Stage 4 SCLC.

Small cell lung cancer.

Incurable.

8 months to two years at most.

It was a losing battle.

There was no way around it and the chances of survival is close to none.

Chemotherapy was not helping to cure but only to lessen the pain.

And Junmyeon no longer wanted to go through the sessions.

He felt like he deserved this because he lied to Sehun.

The pain he is feeling right now must be less than what Sehun felt when he found out the truth.

He was going to stay in their house until Sehun comes back.

It was on the third day of waiting when he coughed up a lot of blood.

He contacted Sehun but his phone was turned off.

Before losing consciousness, the last number he dialed was 911.

**********

Sehun wanted to die.

_If only….._

Too many if onlys were running through his mind and he knew this would not get him anywhere close to his goal but still he let the thoughts consume him.

_If only he did not let his anger rule him and instead listened to Junmyeon._

_If only he did not hand those candies to his roommate when he saw him crying._

_If only he did not witness the angelic smile that came from the very same lips that he wants to kiss at this moment._

_If only he did not agree to checking into that two-person room in this same hotel he is in._

_If only he didn’t decide to escape from his life as a model when the limelight felt too much._

_If only…._

The thoughts that are lingering in his mind caused him to close his eyes until he eventually fell asleep.

He slept because it felt better than being awake.

And when he did, he dreamt.

****************

When Sehun arrived home 5 days later after he went backpacking to have some time to collect his thoughts, no one was there.

He felt a bit of panic rising up his chest as he walked through all the rooms in the flat, calling his lover’s name out.

_“Junmyeon?”_

After 30 minutes of mulling over where Junmyeon could have went, he decided to knock on the neighbor’s door. After a few knocks, their neighbor who looked like he just woke up with his hair disheveled answered.

_“Oh, it’s you.”_

_“I’m sorry for the intrusion but do you perhaps know where Junmyeon is?”_

_“You don’t know?”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I don’t think I should be the one to tell you.”_

_“I don’t understand.”_

Sehun was slowly losing his patience with this man and patience is really not one of his strongest points.

_“Just. Say. It.”_

_“Your husband was taken in an ambulance.”_

And as soon as Sehun heard it, he fell on his knees.

_“No. No. That’s not true. Where is he? Where is he?!”_

_“The police found him on the floor next door, they said he called 911. They’ve been trying to contact you since then. That’s as far as I know, they said they’ll just talk to his family.”_

_“Family?! I am his family?!”_

_“I don’t know, man.”_

And as his neighbor closed the door, it felt like the door of his life closed as well.

**********

He woke up crying.

It was one of the worst dreams he had in a while and he does not know how he is going to deal with this.

But when he looked at the digital clock on the bedside table, it read 8:15 A.M.

It’s already morning and he had an appointment today!

He was going to meet the guy who helped him years ago. He does not even remember how that guy looks anymore, just that he called him before, and they decided to meet today.

Sehun dressed up in something simple, just a white shirt and a pair of jeans but he still managed to look extra handsome. It must have something to do with the way he stood, or the way his back is perfectly straight, his posture is really good as well, everything about him shouted model.

After getting his wallet, he went straight to the mini-café library that they promised to meet.

**********

Sehun did not know anyone from Junmyeon’s family, in the two years that they were together. He said he had no one else, he said everyone in his family was dead. He is now completely clueless as to where Junmyeon is right now. What hospital did they bring him to? Where is the wake happening? Is Junmyeon really d-d-e-a? He can’t really bring himself to say the word at all.

Junmyeon always referred to Sehun as his only family so he automatically assumed that it was just the two of them. He never asked and the wave of betrayal hit him once more. He did not know as much as he thought he did about his husband and now it’s making him dizzy.

The one time he let someone have his full trust and look what had happened to him.

He did what he last thought he would: call his manager and make him figure everything out.

**********

He regretted not wearing a jacket with the winter season coming right in. It has been years since he last went to this café and he is amazed that he still knows this place. He wondered if the place still looked the same on the inside.

A bell that was on the door rang as he went in and he felt a sudden rush of familiarity. The place looked EXACTLY the same as it did when he last went here…..with Junmyeon. He looked around and so that no one else was there but him. Maybe the person he was supposed to meet is late, or maybe he is just a little too early.

He headed for the counter to tell his order and he is surprised to see that the cashier and the barista are both still the same people that worked here before.

“I’ll have an---”

“You don’t want coffee but you want a chocolate bubble tea instead.”

“How ---”

“It’s what you always used to order, Sehun.”

“You remember me, Minseok?”

“I have a good memory, you were a regular here years ago. Why did you suddenly stop showing up? Why isn’t Junmyeon with you?”

“Ah, he’s gone.”

Minseok noticed the pain in his eyes and instantly regretted being too nosy.

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay.”

Sehun paid for his order but Minseok told him it’s on the house. He then decided to sit on their favorite spot near the window as he waited for his order to be made and for his name to be called.

************

Nothing. Wherever he searched for, nothing appeared. He even asked his manager to research about it and contact people for it, but nothing turned out. He couldn’t find Junmyeon and he had absolutely no idea how it went that way. The police were not helpful either, they wouldn’t give him anything at all because of ‘privacy’. Privacy?! Junmyeon was his husband, what privacy?

He searched for weeks and months until on the 1st anniversary of Junmyeon’s death, a package arrived to him. He opened the small box and there he found everything that he had been looking for all long.

A passport. Kim Junmyeon it read.

An old photograph of two kids. One was him, who was the other?

A letter. He is going to read it later.

He slowly unfolded the paper and read it.

_Dearest Sehun,_

_My love._

_I know how mad you are at me._

_If you are reading this letter, then I must not be of this world anymore. And I hope that you never knew about how I died and that I kept my secret well. But if it happens that you found it out, then I am so sorry that I have kept everything from you. I hope you eventually find it in you to forgive me._

_This box is something that I have made when we got married. I gave it to my brother and asked him to send it over to you a year after I die. I hope by the time that it gets to you, you have moved on from my death and that you are living your life happily._

_I believe that some truths are better kept unsaid, Sehun._

_But since I am no longer of this world, maybe it’s time I reveal the entirety of what has truly occurred. If you think you can handle it, here are all the truths that I have kept from you for the longest time._

_You may think that we first met on that day when it first snowed a couple of years ago. You were 34 by then and I was 36. But that is not our first meeting, or should I say, that is not me you met years ago in that inn?_

_You probably won’t remember this, but we met when we were kids. Or maybe it was not really me that you met with but my twin brother. But I was watching over you the whole time. We even took a photograph together, that is what I had included in this letter. You were an angel and believe it or not, I fell in love with you then, at first sight._

_But I was the shy type and I would never have the courage to approach you or talk to you. So, I kept following you around. I just kept loving you from a distance. I know you do not expect this and I know how mad you are for everything that has occurred but it is now that I believe is the right time to tell you. It was not me you fell in love with, Sehun._

_The man whom you said your vows to, that is the man that you love, that is the man that you truly fell in love with. But it was not that man that you spent years with. Suho. His name is Suho._

_The change happened a few days after your wedding and I’m surprised you did not notice at all._

_My twin brother, he disappeared suddenly sent me a letter asking me if I can pretend as him for a few weeks since he needs to go somewhere important. I had no idea what he was talking about and we haven’t been in contact for a long time. We got separated at 10 and so I was amazed that he knew where my address was. So, because I was selfish, and also because I am dying, I agreed and went to your house and pretended to be my brother._

_Yes, it is me, Junmyeon, the younger twin that has been with you the whole time. I found out I was dying a few years ago, probably a few months before you and my brother got married. This is why I got mad when you invaded my privacy, because I was afraid you will figure out that I am not my brother and I will no longer be able to be a placeholder for him in your life._

_It was the most wonderful two years of my life, Sehun._

_I know you thought I was my brother the whole time, but I only saw you in my eyes. The whole time, I was able to love you and believe it or not, it was the happiest moment of my life._

_I left this package in a safe and if you got it, it means that my brother is alive. I hope he shows himself to you and explains everything in person as well._

_I’m sorry for lying, Sehun. I think he only did that because he found out I was dying…and he wanted me to have the happiest years on the remaining time I had. I’m sorry it had to involve you. Thank you for being the best lover anyone can ever have. You are an angel and I do not deserve you. No one deserves your love, you are too forgiving, too patient, too loyal. You are everything I ever wished for and more and I can only say sorry for lying to you._

_Thank you for all the memories that you gave me, I will bring it with me to the other side. You are an angel, Oh Sehun._

_Always with love,  
Kim Junmyeon_

Sehun could not process everything that he just read. So, he fell in love with the twin brother’s smile, with the man in this passport, but for the longest time, it was Junmyeon that he was with? But what does all of the things that came along with the package mean? The photo were only two kids and the passport was his husband’s too.

He is just flabbergasted.

What the hell is he supposed to do with all of this information?

**************

_“The thing I miss the most is  
waking up next to you”_

-Simple Plan, I can wait forever

Sehun was jolted back to reality as the bell of the door rang again. The man went straight to him without blinking. He tries to take in all of the features of the man walking towards his direction, all that platinum hair and those big ears and then the white coat. Is he a doctor?

“Hello, we meet again.”

“Hi, I’m--”

“Sehun. Oh Sehun. You’re Kim Junmyeon’s husband, are you not?”

“Everyone seems to know my name, I know I am popular but this is….wait…you know Junmyeon?”

“Yes, I am his doctor and I’ve been waiting for this day to tell you the truth.”

“The truth? You knew about his twin brother?”

“There is no twin brother, Sehun.”

“What do you mean?”

“Schizophrenia is what I mean.”

“He was delusional?”

“It was the cancer that triggered it, Sehun. His family had a history of it, but he was healthy the whole time. He got stressed out when he figured out that his cancer relapsed and that is when the hallucinations started out. I have to say, it was one of the rarest cases I have ever handled.”

“You mean to say, he thought he had a brother, but it was actually just him the whole time?”

“Yes. There is only one Kim Junmyeon in this entire world.”

“And you are? I’m sorry but why did you only tell me now?”

“There are times when the schizophrenia did not take over him, he called it the normal days and during those normal days, he asked me for a favor. He asked me to look over you because he knows that you are bound to mourn for him hard. He said that if one day, I find that you seem like you are almost on the stage where you can accept the truth, he asked me to give this to you.”

The man gave Sehun a flash drive.

“What is this?”

“It’s his dying message. It has a recording of his last words before he died. I was the last person who was with him as he took his last breath.”

“Do…you…know…where….his….grave is?”

“I’m here to bring you to it after you listen to his words.”

Sehun plugged the drive into his phone. The man handed him some earphones.

“You can have this, I’m sure you’d want to listen to it in private.”

As he listened to the audio, tears escaped his eyes and he realized this is the first time he cried in public. There was no Junmyeon to wipe his tears away now.

“What’s your name, doctor?”

“Chanyeol.”

“Chanyeol, please take me to my husband.”

*******

_“Tears streaming down your face  
when you lose someone  
you cannot replace”_

-Coldplay, Fix You

_“Sehun, I am sick….”_

They arrived at the inn, the same one where Sehun was staying.

“Why are we here?”

“In this inn, there’s a garden behind, he asked that his urn be buried there.”

Like a blind man, Sehun moved forward aimlessly, legs shaking as he walked towards the garden where he said his vows to the man he love, years ago.

_“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner….”_

The doctor was following him closely behind, wanting to help Sehun stand up but at the same time holding himself back because he knew that the man in front of him has to come to terms with this on his own.

_“I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you to come back home…”_

As he stood in front of the garden, his knees gave up on him and he let out a guttural cry.

“Junmyeon….”

The earphones fell off and the jack was removed from his phone as Junmyeon’s voice filled the air.

_“I loved you for a long time, Sehun, ever since we were kids. When we met at that park. I was the one you gave your red scarf to, as you told me that I should head home since the first snow fell that day, I wonder if you remember….”_

As the tears kept falling on Sehun’s face, the doctor tapped his shoulder.

“Here.”

“What is this?”

“Open it. He wanted me to give you this.”

Sehun opened the paper bag that was given to him and he saw a red scarf inside. A memory of a kid smiling in front of him wearing the red scarf suddenly flashed on his mind.

_“but you are my home, Sehun. You have always been, and you always will be. When I’m gone, I hope you don’t forget that out of all things, what I wish for the most is your happiness. Keep being happy, Hunnie. I love you…”_

He held the scarf close to his chest and cried more.

It smells faintly of Junmyeon.

And that is when the first snow fell.

The sudden realization that it was the first snow when he met Junmyeon on this inn, when they got married, and now, years later when he finally found the love of his life again shook him.

Everything came to a full circle.

“Fuyu no namida.”

Sehun looked at the doctor.

“What did you say?”

“Fuyu no namida. Winter’s tears.”

“What does that mean?”

“The first snow, we call it winter’s tears. There’s a saying around here that you should never fall in love during the first snow because everything’s bound to be taken away from you.”

“Fuyu no namida, huh? I don’t regret it.”

“What?”

“Falling in love with Junmyeon. It may not have ended well between us but the love we shared, I don’t think anything in my life will ever surpass it.”

Sehun wore the scarf around his neck and put his hand out until some snow piled up on it. He looked up, tears still streaming down his face and whispered, _‘Junmyeon, I will always love you.’_

***********

 _“Lights will guide you home_  
and ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you…”

-Coldplay, Fix You

In the tenth year after Junmyeon’s death, Sehun did not come back to the inn.

There is no Baek this year, no more tears, no more drowning in memories.

He was staring into the deep dark water, holding onto the railings.

“Don’t you go jumping into that”

Sehun chuckled a bit as he heard what was said and seconds after, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder, a familiar touch.

“Is that his scarf?”

“Yes.”

And suddenly Sehun threw the scarf into the ocean.

“What are you doing? It’s his last memento, isn’t it?”

The other man was preparing to dive but Sehun stopped him.

“It’s time to stop. I need to start living my life. It’s time to move forward. It’s been ten years.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Then, don’t worry, I’ll be here with you all the way.”

“Thank you, doctor.”

“Sehun!”

“Thank you for being a good friend, Chanyeol-hyung. And thank you for taking care of Junmyeon on his last moments.”

“It’s my oath to save people.”

“Thank you for saving me.”

And as Sehun moved in to give Chanyeol a hug to thank him, the first snow fell.

But these are no longer the tears of winter, and they are no longer in that town. The rules do not apply no more. He took these as Junmyeon’s blessings to be with this man in front of him, the one who showed him patience and understanding.

_But no, he is in no rush to fall in love, he’d take all the time in the world and just enjoy what he can._

_Fuyu no namida._

He’ll break that curse one day.

_Winter’s tears._

One day soon.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have read until this, thank you very much! I'd love to know your thoughts about this! Comments are highly appreciated~


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